The most common complaint I hear in couples therapy: we don’t know how to communicate!
Learning to communicate effectively can prevent many issues in relationships. Often, the bigger problem isn’t WHAT we’re communicating, but HOW we’re communicating it.
We all learn communication from somewhere. Most typically, our parents are our primary role models, as what we observe while growing up is what we consider to be “normal”. Most couples can understand their different communication styles when they look at what the norm has been in their respective families. Some families communicate openly, while others don’t share emotions.
There are three main components in any communication: the speaker, the recipient, and the message.
Here’s how to fix communication in each of these aspects.
The speaker
The speaker has a message to communicate and wants to be heard. In order to be heard, you need to ensure that the message is delivered in the most effective way. It’s never a good idea to have a conversation when you’re very emotional. It helps to process your emotions first, so your mind is clear – and so you don’t say anything you might regret.
Trying to have an important or difficult conversation with your partner is a bad idea if they’re tired, hungry, distracted, or stressed about something else. So, first, ask if it’s a good time. Then ensure that there are no distractions.
The message
In order for the message to be received as intended, it needs to be clear and unambiguous. If you use harsh words or a harsh tone, the recipient will pay more attention to how you’re speaking, and then react to that – instead of to the actual message. Ensure that the message is clear and direct.
Starting a sentence with “you always…” or “you never…” will almost always receive a defensive response. It’s more effective to phrase what you want to say in this format:
“I feel <name the emotion> when you do <name the upsetting behaviour>. What I would like is <ask for what you want from them>.”
For example,
“I feel disrespected when you make plans that involve me without consulting with me first. I would like you to please check with me before confirming plans with others.”
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You’ll notice that there’s no accusation or blame. It’s a simple statement of the outcome you’d like.
Whenever we’re complaining about something, we’re actually expressing a need negatively. So, in order to phrase it more positively, think about what the underlying need is. Then phrase it as a request, instead of a complaint.
When you say too much, the essence of the message is likely to get lost, so it’s important that your point is clear. Too many messages in one conversation will likely result in nothing being resolved. So, commit to discussing and resolving one issue at a time.
The recipient
Listening is one of the most vital aspects of communication. If it’s not a good time, let the other person know and give them an alternative. When your partner speaks to you, put your phone away and ensure that there are no other distractions.
Sometimes it helps to clarify if you’re unsure of what they mean. Don’t jump to conclusions. If you receive a mixed message, clarify it. Understand what the speaker wants from you. Do they just want to vent? Do they want advice? Do they want you to change some behavior? If you’re unsure, ask.
If you’re spoken to disrespectfully, you don’t need to respond with disrespect. Rather commit to having the conversation at a different time, when you’re both calmer. Nothing gets resolved with disrespect.
If the message was a difficult one to hear, your natural response might be defensive. Instead, say, “Thank you for telling me. I’d like to think about this before I respond.” You’re responsible for what you say, regardless of how you feel. Avoid “kitchen-sinking”, which is adding more problems or picking on other things. This never leads to solutions. Rather, focus on solutions.
How you communicate can make or break a relationship.
Who is the author?
Rakhi Beekrum
Rakhi Beekrum is a psychologist, motivational speaker, and mental health advocate with over 10 years of experience. Her expert advice is featured regularly in South African and international publications on national radio, she is well-known on social media, and has been featured on national television.
