An elderly parent refusing help is one of the most common and difficult situations for adult children to navigate. The default mode for most people is to try and reason with their parents. Through logical explanations, they can point out why they need to make changes or take on some kind of assistance. Unfortunately, logic almost always fails.
Why?
Fear is usually what underlies a refusal to change or accept help. Aging parents are afraid of losing their way of life, their routines, their control, their minds, their capabilities, and so on. Accepting help from an outside source of care is often seen as the beginning of the end. That can be an incredibly difficult reality to come to terms with, as so many people outright refuse to do.
What can you do when an aging parent refuses to accept help?
Put the emphasis on your worries, not their incapabilities
Most parents hate the idea of burdening their children. Consequently, one strategy that can be effective is to let your worries and concerns take center stage during conversations. This takes the pressure and focus off of your parent and what they are or aren’t doing.
Eventually, they may reach a point where they decide to accept home care help or move into assisted living. This will, of course, be their idea and it will be for you because they can’t stand to have you worrying about them so much. Moving forward, try switching from comments like, “Mom, it’s not safe for you to live alone,” to “It would give me so much peace of mind if you would consider taking a look at a few of these nursing homes”
Point out the benefits
Every time the topic of accepting care or moving gets brought up, your loved one is probably flooded with negative thoughts and emotions. You can help reorientate these thoughts and feelings by making an effort to bring up all the benefits of this potential new arrangement.
If someone is coming into their home, a couple of times a week to cook and clean, it would free them up to enjoy more of their hobbies. Being in a senior living environment can come with all kinds of perks like a great activity program, transportation, and a sense of community. Many communities now have assisted living software that allows for families to receive live updates from their loved ones or care staff in addition to other engagement opportunities.
Offer solutions that won’t be seen as getting them “care”
Rather than telling a parent that they need extra help and care, observe what they’re struggling with and bring up solutions that everyone uses. People of all ages take advantage of housekeepers, home maintenance, meal delivery, and transport services.
If you get nervous when your mom is driving, or she keeps losing her keys, show her how to order an Uber. If your dad isn’t feeding himself properly, have him try a month of a meal delivery box service like HelloFresh or Blue Apron.
Make their home as ‘age in place’-friendly as possible
Sometimes you just have to give in. Our parents have the right to refuse our well-intentioned suggestions and our pleading. You can’t force someone to accept help unless the situation has warranted something like a state-sanctioned conservatorship or appointed guardianship. However, this should be a last resort and is only possible if your parent is a danger to themselves or the surrounding people.
Until then, you can do the best you can to make their living situation as safe as possible. You can get a home safety assessment done by a professional. This will help to eliminate falls risks and prevent other types of environmental hazards. For example, kitchen items can be arranged so everything is within reach or a shower chair could be installed.
The bottom line
It can be hard to convince your aging parents to let you take care of them, especially when they’ve spent most of their lives taking care of you. That said, it’s important that you do convince them as doing so can ensure that they age safely and gracefully.
Who is the author?
Tom currently resides in the United Kingdom. His greatest assets are his words, and he enjoys using them to make the lives of others easier. He has been writing professionally for about three years, and they have been the most beautiful years of his life. Second to writing, hot chocolate is his greatest addiction.
